by Janice Watkins

Yes, I am alive.

Wait, was that a premature answer to a belief that there were followers that had fallen into a dark abyss left gaping by the temporary absence of this blog? #InMyWildestDreams.

What should I explain first? My absence? Or my newfound adoration of hashtagging anything and everything? #BearWithMe

First, let me explain my absence and the adventures that I encountered while trying to weather the holidays with my two perfect children. #YouRememberEdenandGabeandHowTheyAreWalkingMentalPatients

Shortly after Thanksgiving I became bed-ridden and home-bound with a mystery illness that basically scared the bejeezus out of me, left my doctors puzzled and left me unable to care for my children on my own. #DidIMentionMyHusbandIsAmazing #StormontVailWillRequestTheDeedToYourHouseIfYou’reNotCareful

While in my drug-induced state, I was confined to the now lumpy cushions of my couch and became a bona-fide Facebook stalker via my best friend – the tablet. I became obsessed with a friend of my husband’s that was extraordinarily pretentious, talked only about how he hated married people, yet seemed sad being chronically single and did this crazy thing that I now know is hashtagging every detail of his life. #WhoWouldHashTagConstantly #StalkingIsRealIWorkAtLegalAid

What first became an obsession with mocking said douche bag, Travis and I started hashtagging via normal conversation, then via Facebook, then via e-mail, then via sticky note/planner/text/telephone/any other form of communication you can imagine and we thought it only became more hilarious as it went on. #HumorIsIntensifiedWithPharmaceuticals

Just as I was on the mend, I totaled my car and broke several ribs and fractured my sternum, resulting in more days on the couch, more drugs and more hashtagging. #DecemberWasNotMyMonth #DrunkDriversSuck #NoIWasNotTheDrunkDriver

As I have started to mend, I have been weaning myself from a short-lived painkiller addiction, only to realize that I have another addiction. #I’mSureYouCanGuessWhatThatMightBe

The first sign came in my efforts to keep the dream of Santa alive for Gabe for one more year. At the age of 10, you can imagine that my time with a Santa-believer was dwindling. As I was mostly couch-ridden, I had to conceive of a creative idea to keep the spirit of ol’ Saint Nick alive in the Casa de Watkins. I determined that Santa was going to go virtual. #HoHoHo #IReallyWantAnIPad

I began by programming my own number into my phone as “Santa.” The result – I could text message myself, there would be a short delay and my inbox would beep with a new message from “Santa.” If Gabe tried to call the number, it would automatically request the password (which is actually for my voicemail), but I brushed it off as the parent hotline that required a password for each parent. The ultimate result – it worked like a charm, until Santa hashtagged in response to a question Gabe had posed about getting a motorized scooter – “#InYourDreams.” That pretty much blew the lid on Santa. #ThanksHashTagForRuiningADecadeOfDeception.

The second warning came in my nightly ritual of signing Gabe’s planner, which ensures the staff of 501 that Gabe has completed homework and allows me to communicate with the teacher regarding any questions or concerns. I was unable to attend the party and sent Travis in my place, as replacement room-mother instead (#Don’tEvenGetMeStartedOnMeBeingRoomMother). I sent a note in the planner to alert the teacher of the switch-a-roo and signed it with a #Mr.Mom.

The final blow came in the last two days when I was called out by a dear friend on her growing hatred of my hashtags, me hashtagging a closing statement to a client with “#IApologizeForMyLosingStreak and, finally, Eden entered daycare with a wave and a smile and then a turn of a head, saying “HashTag – See ya Later!”

I realize now it has all been ridiculous. On the bonus, my bones are healing, I am getting back to normal and back to all of my bad mommy antics for my enormous fan base to enjoy. #StillInMyDreamsRight?

Well, it was fun while it lasted. #IWillMissYouPointlessHashTagging #IDon’tEvenTweetTwatWhatever #AmazeballsJustForGoodMeasure

Disclaimer: Bad Mommy Confessions is for humorous purposes only and is not a full representation of the day-to-day life of Ms. Janice Watkins, who has also been known by such nicknames as “Esteemed Mommy” and “Tender-hearted Mommy” in addition to “Bad Mommy.”

[ by Janice Watkins | Jan. 2012 ]